If we had the opportunity to look into the innermost corners of the human soul, we would probably see how strong in everyone is the need not only to be loved, but also to experience love and this love for someone to give. We would see how much love lurks within each of us and to what extent this love in many cases remains unclaimed. How it is offensive, when it seems that our love - the most valuable thing that we have - is not needed. Why is this happening? Let's make a little digression into the depths of human relationships and try to find the reasons.
LIKE OR UNLIKE?
Take the first, surface slice the psychology of relationships. Psychologists in their studies have identified many factors affecting the occurrence of sympathy, vzaimovliyaniya, relationships, their quality and character. The most important factor of attractiveness is its similarity with us: closer to people whose temperament, interests, aptitudes, beliefs, and values similar. For example, vulnerability, anxious and sensitive person is unlikely to enjoy explosive, energetic and sharp. Closed and unsociable, it is difficult to understand someone who is committed as often as possible to get out. A pragmatist, judging everything from the point of view of material gain, will not cause the sympathy of romance who appreciates the lofty sentiments and sacrifice.
But a common opinion that opposites attract? Renowned social psychologist Elliot Aronson, for example, said: people are bound to each other not only because of the similarity, but also because they can complement each other. However, not all researchers agree with him. Numerous experiments conducted by researchers of different countries revealed a consistent pattern: the highest probability that the liking will grow into attachment exists between people with similar spiritual warehouse. In other words, for the occurrence of attachment is more important than similar ideas about the meaning of life than, for example, the match of temperaments or the same rate of reaction.
According to American researchers David buss and Sandra Barnes, while creating long and lasting relationships, people the greatest importance is attached to ability to be a good comrade and friend, care and respect for the partner, honesty, loyalty, reliability, intelligence and prudence, kindness, ability to understand others and the art of being interesting to talk to.
We tend to have a special sympathy for the one who has revealed himself to us, who shared with us something deeply hidden, even if it is a weakness or a flaw, or to him to whom we opened part of our inner world, soul, heart that is not each.
Psychologists have identified the factors, which affect the relationship in the very beginning of their. On the impressions and opinions that we create about a person, our sympathy or antipathy to it to influence our own stereotypes. A stereotype is a kind of label that we affixed. We involuntarily refer the person to one of the categories which are normally used: "merry", "rascal", "Poindexter", "blue stocking," etc., and then barely change the prevailing view.
The categories into which we divide people, often depend on our condition and mood, but especially from our character and lifestyle as well as stereotypes of our environment. An ardent anti-Smoking mentally divides all into Smoking and non — intellectual- for those who have something to talk about, and people with whom to talk about-fashionista — well dressed and all that.
A very common mistake in the perception of the other person — the "halo effect". We find ourselves captured the overall impression that determines all of our assessment: if we believe that people in General are good, he is good in everything or in almost everything, and if bad, cheesy without reservation. We are surprised when it turns out that us nice people can be friendly with friends and despot with his wife and children.
FROM THE FACE WATER TO NOT DRINK
Stereotypical important factor determining the assessment of a person with a superficial acquaintance, appearance. Students of the University answered the question, what qualities are most important when there is a desire to meet him. It turned out that of all the qualities, the value had only visual appeal. But all participants of the experiment were students at a prestigious University, intellectuals!
Cicero, however, believed that the highest valor, and the main duty of a sage — do not be taken by appearance. Aesop said that subtlety of mind is better than body beauty. A Russian proverb says: "From the person water not to drink." And each of us, of course, well aware of: spiritual qualities of man, his ability to empathize and love have nothing to do with waist size or nose shape. But, unfortunately, at the moment of occurrence of relations (a long time) many people forget about it. It all begins to sink in only with a long and deep relationship.
Very sorry that because of a race condition for external appeal — if it becomes the main criterion for the creation of relationship — we can miss really close and native person, which, perhaps, is very close.
And if the people are good and long to know each other, have mutual attraction at a soul level, begins to work the great principle that those who are close, and beautiful. There is no such beauty which would hide the infinite evil or a wretched soul. There is no such person who would not be incredibly beautiful to a loving glance. The greatness and power of inner beauty, illuminating the face, words can not describe!
It is necessary to search the reasons for the situation, repeatedly beaten in literature and cinema, when a man once madly in love with the irresistible vamp, goes from there to a nondescript, but understanding his heart "the grey mouse", or when she prefers the handsome smug spiritually close to her man, not endowed with bright appearance.
GAMES AND PEOPLE. PEOPLE AND GAMES
American psychotherapist, the creator of the "Transactional Analysis" Eric Berne became the author of the original theory of human relationships, set out in the book "Games that people play." He carefully and subtly analyzed the behavior of people in different situations, and this led him to a statement: the biggest problem arises when sincerity disappears in communication and in relationships, when people cease to be themselves and begin to play, instead of behaving naturally and Is mature.
Berne talks about the three states of personality that are differently manifested in each of us: "Child", "Parent", "Adult".
"Child" lives in man all his life. This is the most sincere part of ourselves, manifested when we think, react and feel, as in childhood. Everyone was once small, kept in the soul of experience and attitude of that time. "Child" is characterized by intuition, discernment, emotionality, spontaneity, joy and charm, craving for cognition, miracle and magic, creative, uncommon approach. However, in its negative manifestations, the "Child" is capricious, hysterical, frivolous, wayward or strongly dependent on "Parents" and someone's guardianship.
The "parent" in us is arguing the way his father and mother or other adults once did - this is a whole complex of beliefs, norms and prejudices that arose in childhood, giving rise to certain prohibitions in us and forcing us to act and think according to the scheme " So it is accepted ". From time to time such a "Parent" makes itself felt inside each of us.
Personality of the same "Adult" is realized as the ability to find solutions in problematic and difficult situations, to show a mature and creative approach. In each of us there is a share of the "Adult" (even in the child) - and this means that we are all able to be independent, wise and objective.
All these three states are very important for the full development of the personality, but it is important that they are harmoniously combined. It is important that communicating people are "on the same level" and that the condition that is manifested corresponds to the situation: solve the problem as "Adult" with "Adult", rest or admire something like "Child" with "Child", make important decisions As two "Parents". Difficulties arise when this rule is not respected, for example, when one person turns to another as an "Adult" to an "Adult", expecting a reasonable, calm reaction, or as a "Child" to the "Parent", counting on help, love and support, But receives the opposite from the other person. Say, the husband asks the wife, referring as "Adult" to "Adult": "Do you know where my watch is?" Instead of quietly answering: "They lie on the table," the wife responds capriciously, like an offended "Child": " Well, forever, I have to know everything, "or instructively, as" Parent ":" Why do you never know where your things are? It seems not small already. " Natural communication is disturbed by an inappropriate reaction, and as a result scandals, misunderstanding, alienation often arise.
This is how the new way of relationships develops and is fixed - Bern calls it "game". As a result of the game, sincerity disappears, players seem to wear masks, to which they are accustomed, hide behind them, defending themselves from the manifestation of real feelings. "Look what I did for you!", "Dear, I love you, will not you buy me a fur coat?", "I'm just trying to help you", "Only through my corpse," "Either I - or he / She / it "... How often in communication we resort to such games (their list can be continued) and as a result we move away from each other and do not notice how the relationship leaves warmth, sincerity, naturalness, but there remains a kind of blackmail and Manipulating each other.
And yet one of the most important factors in the relationship is, of course, "He" and "She", man and woman. Many psychologists and philosophers argue that the problem in relationships actually arises when He and She change roles - and this is one of the problems of modern society, which is increasingly acute. "She" becomes "masculine" in the house, in bonds, in relationships, and He - too "feminine," unstable, pampered, weak. As a rule, such a problem arises when one of the partners ceases to show its basic qualities, and then another takes on them.
But still, despite the substitution of concepts, in our minds for a long time there is an archetype of a real man and a real woman. And we are looking for and we want to see next to us not the "second woman" (in the case of a woman) or the "second man" (in the case of a man), but from time immemorial the man is looking for the image of his beautiful "Lady", the Real Woman, and the woman her " Knight ", a real man.
The Archetype Of "Male Knight"
Nobility, dignity, honor — in all its forms.
Reliability and support — to him and to his word you can always count on.
Determination, courage and bravery, a quality fighter, not to retreat before difficulties and finding quick and effective solutions to the problem.
Initiative, activity, spirit of adventure and creative exploration.
The quality of the "father", "protector" of those who are weaker and any noble and fair business.
Intelligence, wit, culture and sophistication.
Sensitivity, tenderness, kindness, compassion.
Male friendship — "one for all and all for one".
The Archetype Of The "Woman Lady"
Love as a principle and the meaning of life, is love, is able to overcome all difficulties and miracles. The ability to fight for what is expensive and what I like.
The ability to sacrifice for the ones you love, and to love selflessly — without expecting anything in return.
Beauty internal and external, flowing from love: when a woman loves, she's beautiful.
Sophistication, subtlety, elegance, sense of beauty and harmony.
The quality of "the Muse", inspiring others and having their sources of inspiration.
Quality "mother" - giving and protecting all Life (not just their own children). Kindness and compassion is derived from Love.
Intelligence, erudition, culture and creativity based on intuition.
The ability to "feel the heart" — then why not see with their eyes, and understand logic.
The ability to give warmth and comfort to create an atmosphere of a home.
Large practicality — organization and efficiency in specific cases.
Friendship women — "from heart to heart."
ANIMUS ANIME IS NOT A FRIEND
The Swiss psychologist C. G. Jung says about the existence in the unconscious of each man an extra part of the opposite nature. In the unconscious of every man there is a "female nature," "Anima," and in every woman there is an unconscious "male nature" — "the animus". These properties are laid in childhood (Anima is created on the basis of the image of the mother, the animus — on the basis of the image of the father) and often subsequently affect the choice of a life partner.
Anima and animus have positive and negative aspects. Positive Anima or animus is the unconscious part of us that needs to realize and develop to become a harmonious person. The negative animus or Anima — this is something in us that we must recognize and overcome. That's what makes a man more like a woman, and a woman a man, and sometimes may even cause homosexuality.
The negative Anima is enhanced by experiences in early childhood, if the boy (and later man) is "under the thumb" of the mother or is too dependent on her. Such childhood experiences are reflected in the character of a man, making him effeminate and pampered ("the Princess and the pea"), dependent on affection, touchy, insecure and in need of assistance and the authority of the mother or the "second half". Trying to cover up their own weakness and uncertainty man is forced to snap to throw offensive remarks to be rude or to get away from real life and problems in pseudointellectual passions and erotic fantasies where in my thoughts everything is possible but nothing is required.
In contrast to the negative, the positive Anima is the personification of all the noble and beautiful "feminine" qualities in the inner world of man, allowing you to develop deep wisdom. Intuition, insight, receptivity to the irrational, capacity for love, compassion, care, harmony and sense of beauty.
The negative animus in a woman is allegorically represented in the guise of "female tank", sweeping away everything in its path, hiding under more or less feminine appearance, hard, rough, unforgiving and cold strength. Often this unconscious aspect is manifested in the form of a steadfast conviction in its own right (especially when the woman is not right), and this motivation is often accompanied by the desire to prick, to hurt or to impose on others their opinion, arranging a flagrant scandals and scenes. One of the clearest manifestations of the negative Animus is a woman's desire to be in whatever was the beloved and a willingness for it. And consequent sense of "their territory," evil thoughts, hidden under a sweet smile, a criticism, a passion for gossip and more. Sometimes the negative animus takes the form of paralysis of all the senses or deep insecurity, amounting at times to a feeling of worthlessness. Somewhere deep inside the animus whispers to the woman: "You're hopeless. What's the use of trying? There is no point to do anything. Life will never change for the better." In life and in people see only black, all white swept aside and not noticed.
But the positive animus can turn into an invaluable inner companion who will give a woman of truly masculine knightly qualities — initiative, courage, passion and thirst for discovery, clear, objective mind, and spiritual wisdom.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Finishing our review on the psychology of relationships, I want to focus on one important question: what prevents the manifestation of true love? Let us recall some advice given to psychologists, philosophers, and just wise people.
•Do not confuse love with love, you should not wishful thinking. With love everything is just beginning, but it is not sufficient. In the beginning we experience romantic enthusiasm, we all seems rosy, everything seems perfect, for centuries, but do not forget that being in love is such a strong outbreak of fire: it is fragile and can quickly fade as it came. You need to love turned into love. And for this there is the test of time and difficulties.
•The biggest obstacles to love — selfishness and possessiveness. Sometimes we love a person, but forget that it has its own individuality, advantages and disadvantages that differ from our own and fall in love with a perfect image, endowed with qualities that we like or that have we ourselves, or which we lack. When we are aware of the inconsistency of man and created us the way, we begin to alter it to fit your "standards", to drive us to the specified frame and presentation. Therefore, it is important sometimes to ask yourself the question: "What is important for us in love: loved one, or our own desires, what we want him to?" Any "cell" of our senses, which we are trying to drive a loved one — even the gold and beautiful — to ever become close to him. And he will either run away, or even if you stay with us, his soul will be inaccessible and hidden from us. Sometimes you have to make a choice between our interests and love and... to love for the sake of love.
•It is dangerous to seek to be loved at any cost. Sometimes we stoop to the humiliation and "for love" lose their dignity, forget about their dreams, about their own path and the meaning of life. And for what? For the miserable crumbs that fall to us from the table — a little heat, a little feelings, a little bit of money?.. Not too great a price for a little happiness?
•Seek not what separates us but what unites us. Because love will last as long as much unifying. And nothing unites in love and wish to share some dreams, some ideas and adventure — and for them to fight and overcome difficulties. Conversely, if there is nothing in common or unifying negligible, should not wonder whether this is love?
•Become a mirror of each other. Because there must always be someone who will not allow us to drop below self-esteem, who will not cheat and will always show the truth, whatever it was. And at the same time, who will show us the most beautiful and hidden state, our ability and dignity, which we often do not realize.
•If we truly love, even in the most horrible flaws, always in person and need to find something light and kind. In psychology there is a concept samootverzhennost prophecy. Its essence is that if we think about people better than they really are, they gradually become better. Conversely, if we underestimate them, they will change for the worse. Therefore, the surest way to change a person for the better not to notice and tell him about the mistakes and shortcomings, but rather to treat him as if he already possesses the desired qualities.
•To overcome the routine of love. Love is strengthened and supported through small, and sometimes insignificant details. And as is often the smallest things (which we unjustly forget) — flowers or a kiss, the memories of dear moments and romance, hospitality and care — allow to show each other the power of love.
•To take the first step in the disputes and quarrels and to manifest our "features" that could lead a loved one or pet into a frenzy.
•If the second half is in a bad mood, depression, sadness, fatigue, work overload, or problems, most do not fall under the influence, but instead to take all possible measures to eliminate these conditions.
All of this may bear fruit, if to understand one great truth: love needs two, need the mutual efforts of both parties.
Love gives nothing but itself and takes nothing but myself. Therefore love does not possess anything, but it can't be owned, because love is enough love. ...Let there be spaces in your togetherness. And let the winds of the heavens dance between you... After all, each of the strings of a lute itself, although together they sound in one melody. ...Because pillars of the temple stand apart and the oak and the cypress do not grow in the shadow of each other...