“Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm; for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave; the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.”

Song of Solomon 8:6


Variants of jealousy infinite set. The consequences are also very diverse: it can strengthen existing love, replace it with hatred or kill at all, leaving behind only indifference. It is believed that jealousy is associated with love, but how? - that is the question.

Blessed Augustine many centuries ago proclaimed the thesis: "He who is not jealous does not love", linking love and jealousy together, and people took this position to faith and began to follow it in their lives. In the collections of the wise, I discovered a different from the character statement of an unknown author, which seems to me more profound and psychological in its essence than the aphorism of the famous theologian. It reads: "It is not then that a man is jealous when he loves, and when he wants to be loved." Thus, jealousy is not love at all, but rather a desire to have it, or a fear of losing it - which means a kind of stress, and quite a lot of stress. Agree that with this approach, jealousy loses most of its attractiveness.

Professor I. Shevelev said that jealousy is "the underside of love, the black lining of her white mantle," and S. Bouffler expressed even more harshly: "Jealousy is the sister of love, just as the devil is a brother to an angel." Jealousy is different, in one case it causes understanding and approval from others, in the other - contempt. Wilheim Reich in the book Sexual Revolution wrote about jealousy: "The pain that arises from the notion that a beloved partner embraces another is natural, this natural jealousy must be strictly distinguished from the zeal of the owner."

Nevertheless, there is an opinion that jealousy is useful for love. For example, the Urals writer Valery Bruskov has an aphorism: "The fire of love is fueled by the firewood of jealousy", and some psychologists in general believe that jealousy reflects the level of the individual's claim, so it is harmful to combat it, because such a struggle reduces the competitiveness of a person.

Most likely, the whole thing in the proportions - in fact even the most healing medicine, applied without measure, can cause harm, while particles of poisonous arsenic and mercury are part of homeopathic medicines. Therefore, the doctor I. Shevelev deduced the following postulate: "Jealousy is poison: in small doses it stimulates love, in large it kills."

What does jealousy consist of? Francois La Rochefoucauld in the XVII century argued that it had only one share of love and ninety-nine shares of self-esteem. Honore de Balzac a century and a half later, said: "Jealousy in men consists of selfishness, driven to hell, out of pride, taken by surprise and irritated vanity." The paradox is that often in the family is jealous of the one of the spouses, who himself is most inclined to the violation of marital fidelity. Polish writer Stanislav Vapnyak wrote: "It is not their treason that makes us suspect our infidelity, but our own." M. Weller noted that jealousy is a fear of losing, and a vanished pride, and a fear that another is better, and a sense of impossibility to completely control the situation, diminish its significance, infringe upon its self-affirmation. He writes: "The reason for jealousy means: I am less a master of life than I believed, than I can or could, I am less omnipotent than I want and believe possible. That's what a man can not bear !!! "It follows that little people are very jealous of self-confident people, and those who have more complexes and understated self-esteem are more jealous. "If Othello were white, young, handsome and courteously educated," Veller supposes, "he would blow his nose at this damned handkerchief and go to bed with Desdemona to make love, everyone and business." I do not know ... Beautiful, like the rich, by the way, also cry. And something I did not meet in life a completely self-confident person. Just a "hook" for everyone's uncertainty. One doubts his appearance, the other in potency, the third in his mind. Maybe only full morons are free of doubt and complexes.

The feeling of jealousy can lead to negative consequences leading to the destruction of the family.

First, it leads to a deterioration in the relationship between spouses. Suspicions, reproaches, surveillance, tears and scandals make the life of two people under one roof unbearable, which can eventually lead to a divorce.

Secondly, external manifestations of jealousy have an adverse effect on the child's psyche, if there is one in the family. Children react very sensitively and sharply to the relations of parents, and quarrels on the basis of jealousy can lead to the emergence of acute neurotic reactions in children, the consequences of which may be unfavorable for many years.

Thirdly, jealousy because of the alleged betrayal of one of the spouses can lead to treason (already real) of the second member of the family. This is the so-called "betrayal in revenge." "If he allows himself this, then I will not remain in debt!". There are also more tragicomic situations when the husband, driven to the extreme by groundless suspicions of the spouse, decides that if he suffers, he decides to commit treason, even though to the jealousy of the spouse he was not going to do it at all.

In real life, there are generally anecdotal cases, which show what unexpected consequences can lead to jealousy. So, in one family, a woman was bored with an even and monotonous family life, and she decided to bring a little bit of witticism and variety into her calm current. She began to be jealous of her husband: to control the time of his return from work, sniff his hair for the presence of smells of foreign perfume in them and carefully examine the collars of his shirts in search of someone else's lipstick. But the evidence, as luck would have it, was not! Then she bought a cosmetic pencil and threw it at the sofa, and then, during the spring cleaning, in front of her husband, as if by accident, discovered him. The "angry" spouse showed "proof" of betrayal to her husband and arranged him an exemplary scene of jealousy, maliciously imagining how an unsuspecting husband would feel sorry for excusing himself about the ill-fated pencil. At first everything went according to plan, but when the spouse added heat, the terrible thing happened: her husband turned a little pale and admitted that she took it to the end, and that he had several times brought his mistress to their apartment, and that if she wants, then He is ready to divorce her.
This recognition, like a thunder, struck a poor woman. She did not know what to say, it all began very funny, and she absolutely did not need his confession, this is an awkward truth, but - the word is not a sparrow ... In general, over time, they reconciled, the family managed to be saved, but here The former peace and tranquility is not there and, apparently, is not foreseen.

Fourth, jealousy can reach such a strength that it becomes obtrusive and manifests itself in aggressive actions directed at the spouse or his alleged sexual partners (psychiatrists believe that "delirium of jealousy" refers to the most difficult to cure mental illnesses). When jealousy acquires the character of an overvalued idea, the thought of the unfaithfulness of the spouse begins to persistently pursue the person and occupies a dominant position in his mind. Any facts, sometimes completely unrelated to the field of interpersonal relationships, are interpreted as clear evidence of treason: "silent" phone call - "call the opponent, waiting until she picks up ...", a new lipstick, hairdo - "What is it so dressed up .. "bad mood from his wife -" misses her lover ... "Next, which has already become pathological jealousy begins to influence behavior: arranged sudden return home," meeting "with the work, hires a private detective to spy on adulteress, in kVAr Jireh installed listening devices - it all depends on how far gone the painful process and the level of financial means.

At the stage of the formation of the delusion of jealousy, the person completely disappears doubts about treason, suspicions are replaced by certainty, and it is no longer possible to convince such a person with the help of objective arguments. Accordingly, measures to combat treason are extremely sophisticated. So, in his lecture one of the professors of psychiatry gave an example of a patient with alcoholism, suffering from delirium of jealousy (by the way, this combination is very common), which, going to work, forced his wife to wear a kind of "belt of fidelity" made by himself from tarpaulins, laces and Metal rivets.

In the opinion of most psychiatrists, the overvalued and delusional ideas of jealousy regarding the prognosis for recovery are extremely unfavorable and are treated with great difficulty. Therefore, dear readers, if you are too focused on your wife's infidelity, remember that any, even the most unpleasant and violent emotion, can be stopped by an inner effort, until it reaches extreme intensity and begins to "live an independent life," no longer considering With your consciousness. Jealousy is not such an inoffensive phenomenon, at times it acquires rather wild forms (down to murders and dousing with sulfuric acid) and can become the essence of a mental illness.

All the foregoing suggests that jealousy, despite its external affinity for the feeling of love (it, as it were, grows on it) is far from the feeling that should be groomed, cherished and nurtured in one's soul. Do not we just flea just on the grounds that they live on our beloved dog? And jealousy parasitizes on love, shamelessly using its energy.

Jealousy - often only a consequence of our weakness (and, often, the weakness of the far-fetched, imaginary). Its origins lie in a low self-esteem, in fear of losing the object of love. It is the weed of our soul, and, without tearing its roots out, it is impossible to destroy it. The more we tear and stamp her stems and leaves, the more violently she will braid our psyche, until she strangles her completely (which happens in the case of jealousy). There can be several reasons for jealousy, and, first of all, every person must understand which of them is the basis of his personal jealousy. It can be, for example, low self-esteem, fear of losing a loved one, heightened ambition or selfishness.

If the main support of jealousy is a low self-esteem ("I'm a simple guy, and she's so beautiful - the fans are so curly ..." or "I'm just a nurse, and he's a lawyer, of course, the women will hang on him"), Work on yourself is to increase it. One must clearly realize that one can not force a person to love. Love can be ignited, it can be conquered, in the end, love can be earned, but it is useless to beg for it. Therefore, if you want that you do not change, make yourself worthy of such strong and faithful love. Become smarter, richer, more charming, more educated, witty, more beautiful ... (having previously determined what attracts your chosen one in people). And (and this is very important!) To change for the better, "to grow" above itself should not be for him, but for yourself! It should not be a sacrifice for the sake of a loved one ("I went to shaping for you"; "I made a new hairstyle for you"; "Because of you, I got a new job and now I get twice as much ..."). If you want to get rid of jealousy, you must first of all learn how to enjoy and pride yourself in the process of self-improvement, and you can rest assured that your loved one will appreciate what is happening with You change ... and not only he (or she). All the while remembering the main goal of this process (keeping in mind the image of the "ideal" I'm looking for), you need to learn to rejoice in everyone, even a small victory along the way, using these victories to enhance your self-esteem, as an excuse for greater Love of self. The more you love yourself, the more valuable you will have in the eyes of other people - although some of this thesis seems unusual, its truth is confirmed by life itself.

If the basis of your jealousy is affection for a partner who is mixed in fear of losing it, increasing self-esteem also does not hurt, but in this case the thinking strategy should be somewhat different. You should clearly realize your loneliness in this world (loneliness, most clearly described by the Buddha), and the connection with your sexual partner should be viewed only as a temporary stage of your personal growth. Yes. In the present time you love this person, and love very much, but there was a period when you absolutely did not know about his existence, and yet did not live normally without him. It is possible that one day you will cool to him, and a new love will capture you, perhaps even more interesting and profound, so why should you suffer so much about such a temporary emotional attachment, as if you are destined to live forever?

The third kind of jealousy, mixed with selfishness, is the most difficult for correction, since a person suffering from this kind of jealousy actually reduces his partner to the level of a thing, or more precisely, parts of his body. He does not allow even the thought that another person can love someone else, except for him, because he does not have the right to make independent decisions with his arm or leg! This kind of jealousy is most despotic, and therefore fraught with "riot on the ship." In order for such rebellion not to become unexpected, a jealous person should look at his partner in a new way and see in him a person who has the right to independent actions (but, on the other hand, to communicate with a person is much more interesting than with a thing).


Jealousy is not at all an obligatory companion of love, rather, it is a harbinger of its destruction. To overcome jealousy you need to understand what lies at its basis. Most often - it's low self-esteem. Therefore, to reduce the stress caused by jealousy, you should raise your own importance both in your own eyes and in the eyes of your loved one.

The material is taken by Yu.V. Shcherbatykh's books "The Psychology of Love and Sex"

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